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The Interview

I watched Toni's Jake Zyrus interview and I identified with Jake's experience and story a lot. I found it so insightful that it also made me ask myself if I'm being truthful about who I am, for not making the decision to transition.  Skipping the wordy introductions, here's a rundown:  Name: J  Age: 34  Gender identity: Lesbian (unexpressed Transgender)  I always thought, when I was growing up, that I would, one day, become more like my father than my mother (physically). When I was young I did not question the idea that one day I will become a man. I was assured at the idea that one day, my body will go through changes that will fit how I identified myself. Whenever I imagined myself in the future I imagined a male character - a male doctor, painter, astronaut and all the other things I wanted to be when I grew up.  Over time, the idea obviously disappeared and it was replaced with a considerable amount of constant disappointment and anxiety (from others a...
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Note to self

Every few years, you will find yourself wandering about on the internet and will wonder... "Is that blog still up?" and you'll find this - this time capsule where you leave tidbits of who you are every time you find yourself back here. NOTE to self: Never leave a love letter here. It's f***ing cringy AF (that means as fuck - in case you forget at the time you're reading this) At least that's how I felt when I read the last love letter I left here (today). So I ended up deleting our only footprint from that time (I even forget to take note of the year before deleting, but I think it was 2013?). So never leave a love letter. 1. No one reads this - only you read your own stuff. So don't leave anything cringe-worthy. It's not romantic. 2. I don't have a number 2, I just like numbers these days.  So let me tell you about these days. In case you've forgotten: 1. I can type without looking at the keyboard now - touch-typing! (I googled it!) and I...
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Funny Reflection: Looking Back to the Present

" You are what you love, not who loves you"          - Save Rock and Roll by Fall Out Boy Funny, so it seems. I was so caught up in trying to make sense of everything, that I forgot that I cant, I never have, and maybe I never will. At least until all is revealed and I've forgotten I had been questioning my existence in the first place.  I was reading through my posts in the past. I usually write only when I have something to write about, I usually only have something to write about when I am overwhelmed with emotion - as if turning them into tears and fake smiles are not enough. But I digress. It's funny how I read about my past and realized I'm still the same. I am who I am, I feel how I feel and I work through it exactly the same way as I did, 3, 4, 5...25 years ago. As I read through my past, I only saw the present - as if the concept of time was nothing but a set of continuous experiences broken down to numbers, to simplify the inevitable co...
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The First Time in A Long TIme: A Classic Decline

Why did i even bother setting up a blog site if i don't post anything? I'll get back to you on that... Meanwhile, I'm going for an escapade, first time in a long time.. I'm also attempting a post.. First time in a long time... Ever since I've had twitter, it always seemed easier posting random thoughts.. but now I plan on going for more than 240 characters... am I exceeding it already? Will this go out to the people who care enough to read a very long "shoutout"? maybe not... ayy.. the wonders of technolgy. My punctuation, spelling and phrasing are all off. Also my vocabulary has gone stale since i started a life in the world of tech and corporations, dress up, dress down, coaching, huddles, unauthorized absences, VGH and work mode. I appreciate the spelling checker these days... it reminds me that right clicks are gateways to a quick fix of mental decline. It reminds me that technology is a short cut to creating a genius of the dumb - how guitar heroes ma...
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Mothers and Pneumonia

No dear I’m not mad, just contemplating the end. Exploring the possibilities and the limit of my mortal skin as I run the wedge, and it penetrates that which covers me... Then I wonder, how far it should go to surpass the pain you’ve complained. No dear, I’m not mad just drinking away the thoughts and spinning with the music that plays, trying to comprehend my words, and reach my limitless space... 'til I am dead --- And then we wonder how much more I should take to feel the numbing pain as you’ve complained. No dear I’m not mad just contemplating the end. And thinking the thoughts forbidden enjoying life as it ends --- For your sake my dear mother my pain begins, when your agony ends So no dear mother, I’m not mad, just contemplating the end. And wishing nothing but your relief, and my wretched life to begin again.
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Intro To CuriosityKilledTheCat: Just to get things started

Past Blogs... cant sleep and got nothing else better to do: midnight sonata January 18th, 2007 … "These nights I get high just from breathing. When I lie here with you I’m sure that I’m real, like that firework over the freeway. I could stay here all day but that’s not how you feel. So why do you leave these questions unanswered? The circus awaits and you’re already gone. My Cheshire cat doorstop with fear in your smile, what makes it so easy for you to be walking by? And what did I do that you can’t seem to want me? Why do we lie here and whisper goodbyes? Where can I go that your pictures won’t haunt me? What makes it so easy for you to be walking by?" - Walking By- Something Corporate Can’t say I still feel the same about her. It’s just that sometimes the past haunts me, and then the fear that something that perfect wont ever come my way again. Can’t say I want it all back either. Because, ‘though a lot of shit happened...
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