The Interview

I watched Toni's Jake Zyrus interview and I identified with Jake's experience and story a lot. I found it so insightful that it also made me ask myself if I'm being truthful about who I am, for not making the decision to transition. 

Skipping the wordy introductions, here's a rundown: 

• Name: J 
• Age: 34 
• Gender identity: Lesbian (unexpressed Transgender) 

I always thought, when I was growing up, that I would, one day, become more like my father than my mother (physically). When I was young I did not question the idea that one day I will become a man. I was assured at the idea that one day, my body will go through changes that will fit how I identified myself. Whenever I imagined myself in the future I imagined a male character - a male doctor, painter, astronaut and all the other things I wanted to be when I grew up. 

Over time, the idea obviously disappeared and it was replaced with a considerable amount of constant disappointment and anxiety (from others and myself) that I could not, then, define. I felt I was inadequate, but unmotivated to make any kind of change. Needless to say I also became more angry (more than the usual teen angst we all go through), because I knew there was a part of me that was very real, but was dismissed by society. This did not keep me, however, from acting in a way that made me feel comfortable. Whatever I did and whenever I did things, I would do them because they felt comfortable to me (not because I was aiming to become a man). I got into sports and many other activities typically labeled “masculine” And oftentimes, I would be called out for apparently not wanting to do more female things. And too often, how I acted would also be dismissed as 'just a phase' and that one day I would grow out of it. (By the way, I did grow out of the sports phase, but I never stopped being me). 

My parents are conservative people, and they did their very best to provide for us and make us feel loved. If there is one betrayal that was clear to me, it was the thought that they took pride in raising girls into women when in fact they were not. The least I could wish for was I hope they knew they were just raising a person. 

My gender identity became an unsettling aspect of my life. It wasn't because I was confused (although, I was, at one point) or that I didn't know I could transition - by now, there were already a few personalities in the media that showed me that I could make this choice (or at least aspire for it). It wasn't even because of my parents and family (although, needless to say, a lot of the gender-related pressure in my life was contributed by my family). Gender identity became unsettling because I already knew what I was, but I did not understand why it felt like I needed to explain it to the world. So, I could only imagine how hard it must have been for Jake - he must've felt he was accountable for explaining himself, to some degree, because a lot of people were counting on him and he was under the spotlight. But for me, gender identity became irrelevant to my truth when I decided that it is irrelevant to my 'true identity'. So, I didn't aspire to change my physical appearance, but I aspired to 'come out' as a person whom I could be proud of, regardless of gender. 

After watching the interview it made me think if my indecision to transition held me back from doing many things and expressing many things when I was younger. Would it have changed who I am now and could I be any happier than how I am today? 

The thing is, whether or not I chose to transition, I will still end end up searching for the same thing in my life - my purpose and value.

My metamorphosis journey was not just finding and expressing the “real me”, but also finding my value as a person. I may not have physically transitioned to have a male body, but I know now, that my true self is not ‘trapped’ in this body anymore. 

I am vicariously proud of the people like Jake who have the courage to break-out of their shell by transitioning despite the odds. I admire their pursuit to find and live their true purpose and value. 

The true lessons in all these metamorphosis stories are not just about overcoming struggles to change and achieve things in life. It's also about patiently finding your truth and knowing every path is uniquely and beautifully carved for each of us. I also now have a different understanding of the rainbow that symbolizes gender identity - that it's not about finding which color you fit in, it's about creating your own color that adds up to the rainbow. Thank you for letting him tell his story. 

 P. S. I still haven't come out to my parents, but regardless if I do, I know now that I've done enough for them to see me, more than my gender identity. 

 P. P. S  I think they wouldn't be surprised anymore anyways. They've told me enough how proud they are of me 'no matter what'.